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Before the internet I used to like people.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When in doubt, take a nap.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.