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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.