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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me