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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
So can we just skip to summer now?
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.