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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.