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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
My life is based on a true story
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!