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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.