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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
Do bees even have knees?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Is food porn star a thing yet??
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)