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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
2 words, 1 finger.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."