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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.