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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Your personality needs alcohol.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds