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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.