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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.