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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"