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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.