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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day