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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.