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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.