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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.