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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Being alive is so expensive.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it