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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.