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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.