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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Iām too young to be too old for everything.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?