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First fart at my new job.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.