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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards