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I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.