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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!