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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.