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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?