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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.