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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I am used but in good condition.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.