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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.