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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Marriage is for quitters
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
and alcohol are now friends.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.