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I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Iām in no shape to exercise.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.