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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.