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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Save water- shower with me!
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.