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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.