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People will do odd things to get even.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.