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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.