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Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.