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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.