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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Own the day
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm