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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."