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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
The only dates I get are updates.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.