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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.