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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Long story short, I love summaries
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion