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Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.