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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”