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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Iโm not getting old. Iโm becoming a classic.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as โgrabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.โ
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I donโt wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)