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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!