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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Save water, shower together.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.