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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.