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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.