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After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
My memory foam has amnesia
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.